When it Rains, It Pours

When it rains, it pours.  My guidance counselor once told me that when I was going through a lot of issues in high school, and boy, was she right.

If you asked me three months ago how I was doing, I would have said I’m doing well and meant it.  Now, I’m one more bad day away from having a complete meltdown in the middle of a mall.  Here’s how my life has been in 2018:

  • My auntie was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of kidney cancer almost a year ago, and I had the privilege of taking care of her until she passed away two months ago.  I can’t get the image of her face as she took her last breath out of my head, but part of me wants to keep it because that’s honestly the only way I can remember her.
  • My sister moved off island last week, which means that all my siblings and I are separated and living in different parts of the world for the first time ever.  Being the youngest sibling, I’ve found this very difficult to cope with and I’m quite lonely.
  • My uncle also passed away last week, and although I was not close to him, the fact that death and loneliness are a recurring theme in my life is quite disturbing.
  • My dad, who lives about 10 miles from me, doesn’t talk to me.  In his defense, he’s “busy.”
  • My stepmom thought it would be cool to pack up all my belongings that are still at my dad’s house and put them in trash bags.  The new dog has also shit in my room.
  • My mom and I also don’t talk that much.  She’s definitely more present than my dad, but she also lives over 10,000 miles away from me, so that just adds to the loneliness.
  • I just broke up with my boyfriend and immediately regretted it.  I’ve been confused and nervous and scared about how our relationship was going.  Basically, I’m self-sabotaging the only good thing that was going on in my life because I’m freaking out right now.
  • I’m also failing a class, stressed about stress, not getting enough sleep, crying more than usual, having anxiety attacks, and barely existing.

I have never felt more invisible in my entire life.  I feel like everyone is busy living their lives and no one notices that I barely have my head above water.  I can’t blame other people for my misfortunes though.  No one is doing anything to me.  I’m simply reacting chaotically to everything that is being thrown my way.  I keep trying to tell myself that God will never put me through anything I can’t handle, but I’m starting to think that He has too much faith in me…

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